All We Ever Find

"Promising forever, knowing that this moment might be all we ever find."



I love music. I can't sing worth a damn even though I can rock out in my car with the best of them. Thank God for iTunes and all those "not so legal" websites where I can download music. Music is a way for me to express what I am feeling when I am lost for words. Who doesn't have their favorite party mix or workout tunes? Who does not have some songs that bring back wonderful and not so wonderful memories?



I remember when I was in college and things got really rough, I would hop in my car, cruise down the NH coast (which is not very long), smoke cigarettes and just listen to music - sad songs, angry chick music, heavy metal.....whatever the mood called for. I would sit out on the wall at the beach, close my eyes and get lost in the words. Some times I would play the same song over and over and over again until it was embedded in my mind.



At my old job, I was apart of a public speaking group. During one of the meetings, the topic "The Soundtrack of Our Lives" was brought up. What song signifies you? What is your theme song? I find it hard to narrow it down to just one song. It really all depends on the mood and where I am in my life at that moment.

If you look at my playlists on iPod Nano, you can see the vast array of music I listen to. I am not trying to sound like I am cultured or worldly. I just like a lot of different music.

There's a playlists that I am listening to a lot lately. It is "Getting Over It." Getting over what? You name it - broken heart, wounded pride, guilt, self-doubt. It is a pity party in a 47 songs, 3.2 hours and 216.5 MB. It is what I listen to when I need to cry, vent or just "be."

I am still recovering from my accident. I met with a neurosurgeon a few weeks ago (I call him "The Crazy Russian") and he said that I am not allowed on my bike for 4 months and not allowed to compete for 6 months. This sucks!!!!!! So in order to inspire myself, I am making a shirt of all my favorite inspirational quotes and lyrics. So far I have (in no particular order)"

• Be cute, Run hard
• Team Snyder For Life
• Bet On It
• It's Now or Never
• Never Give Up
• Do One Thing Everyday that Scares You
• You Say I'm Crazy, I Got Your Crazy
• It's You Against You, It's the Paradox That Drives Us All
• Our Secret Ingredient? Being Awesome!
• That Does Not Kill You Only Makes You Stronger
• Do You Believe in Miracles?
• It Was Great, It Was Terrible, But Mostly It Was Weird
• Bolder, Better, Faster, Stronger
• Believe.Achieve
• So What! I'm Still A Rock Star!
• LiveStrong
• It Will All Get Better In Time
• Some Days I'm A Super Bitch!
• I'm A Survivor! I'm Not Going to Give Up! I'm Not Going to Stop. I'm Going Work Harder!
• No One, and I Mean NO ONE Comes Into Our House and Kicks Us Around!
• Don't Waste Your Time on Jealousy. Sometimes You're Ahead. Sometimes You're Behind. The Race Is Long and In the End It is Only With Yourself.

A Happy Place?

Time? 12:40am

Date: September 30, 2008



Only 1 more day until October. Though I know fall officially started last week, I usually don't think it is fall until October. And I cannot wait until summer is over - this has been one crazy summer. Oh who am I kidding? It has been down right shitty at times.



People say that God does not give you more than you can handle. Well, he must think I can handle a lot. Yes, I know that there are more unfortunate people out there than me - soldiers fighting for our freedom, families losing their homes in storms, people fighting cancer. Who am I to bitch and complain?

I was watching a show tonight, "Life," and the title was "Finding Your Happy Place." The storyline was that there was a guy who was so jealous of other people being happy that he killed them and that made him happy. How sick is that? But it is not that far fetched.

People are jealous by nature. And yes I am generalizing...not all people are like this. But most people are jealous of other people. We want what others have - whether it is their salary, shoes, car, abilities, significant other.

Why do we buy stuff? To make us happy? To make other's jealous? To fit in? To be unique?

I remember the first day of school and people checking each other out - who had the coolest lunch box or trapper keeper (yes I am dating myself with that comment)? The first day back after Christmas - how many gifts did you get?

It is not that much different in the working world. Coach purses and Prada sunglasses have replaced lunch boxes and trapper keepers. Lucky jeans are the newer and fancier Guess jeans.

And then comes weddings - a soon as one person gets engaged, it is like everyone jumps on the bandwagon. And I was one of them. Almost as soon as I moved to be with Andy, I was talking about a wedding. Poor guy!!

Is there a female out there who does not check out the size, shape and clarity of another woman's ring? Is that white gold or platinum? Whose dress was prettier? Whose reception more fun? Whose honeymoon more exotic? Times like this I am glad I have a son and not a daughter.

And then comes time for a baby! It was all about the baby bump at my old place of employment for awhile. Must have been something in the water. So now there is competition on who looks the best while waddling the halls, who picks the better name, who has the easier/more difficult pregnancy/labor?

And now preschool - "sorry, you do not know so and so and do not have $50K so your child cannot attend [fill in the name]." Why would you need to send a 1 year old to a private school anyway? Kids will eat paste and pick their nose anywhere.

I have entered the world of endurance racing (marathons and triathlons) the last few years and it is the same there - Road vs. a tri bike? Is it all carbon? Do you have racing flats? How many miles did you put in this week? What's your VO2 max? Etc, etc, etc.

When I started to run competitively about 6 years ago I had three goals:
1. To finish
2. To not walk
3. To not come in last

I did it for the fun of it. For the pure joy of being outside and taking time for myself. It was my release, my zen, my happy place.

But then something happened. I lost sight of that. I would get pissed if other people beat me. I would hate it if I missed a group run or ride. I was embarrassed by my low end road bike and slow times. I wanted to fit in, keep up, be apart of the cool kids. I wanted their respect and admiration. I wanted to wow them like they wowed me. I wanted to matter, to belong, to make them proud.

I have friends who are training for a big event in November that I am not apart of and it killed me. I was so jealous and felt left out - they were experiencing something amazing together during all their training and I was not.

Trainings became an obsession. If I did not hit my times, I would get so upset. I would just stare at my heart rate monitor during Spin classes to make sure I hit my zones. I pushed so hard to keep up with the fast riders on a group ride one Sunday that I totally bonked, lost my focus for a moment and crashed.

And what did I do? I took one day off to rest. I had something to prove damn it!

And guess what happened next? My crash at Kiawah. If there was ever a sign from God to slow down and re-evaluate life, that was it.

My need to impress and prove something to certain people (and who knows if they even give a flying fuck anyway) and to prove something to myself led me to lose sight of a lot of things. One of them - my love for training just for the fun of it.

But the most important thing? That my actions have consequences - I almost ruined Andy's and Noah's lives. I could have been paralyzed or died. What type of life would that have been for them?

Someone asked me, "So 'What Matters Most'?" It is them. And I thank God every day that I have a second chance to make things right.

To be continued.....

What started this

Like my last post from about 2 seconds ago said, I cannot sleep because of things going on in my mind. And my little blurb mentioned an accident that I had a week ago. When one learns how close they are to losing everything, you start to put things in perspective and really think about things.

Last week I was competing in the Kiawah Triathlon on Kiawah Island, SC and midway through the bike portion, I crashed. I have no idea how or why. All I remember was riding along - enjoying the fact that I survived the ocean swim and was ahead of some people - and then I woke up on the side of the road and I could not remember a thing from that day. Of course, all I wanted to do was get back on the bike and finish the race. How cares if I was bleeding from my face and could not move. I was finishing the race DAMN IT!!!! I had too much riding on it (no pun intended).

Then reality set in. Andy and Noah showed up and thats when I started to freak out a bit. I am still having visions of seeing Andy and Noah coming towards me and trying not to look scared. I can still see the aides taking Noah away so he wouldn't see his mommy all hurt. Andy, God bless him, was able to convince me to get into the ambulance.

Now it was something out of Grey's - I was given a neck brace and put on a backboard. Not being able to move any part of my body - now that sucked. And part of me could not help thinking "I really hope I don't need to pee." I must have drifted in and out of consciousness during the ride.

I was wheeled into the ER at MUSC about 30 minutes later and I had like 10 people treating me. It was kind of weird, scary and cool at the same time. One of the nurses, Hanneka, is a customer at the store where I work and one of the techs, Alex, is housemates with 2 of my co-workers. Small world!

I tried to act all brave and crack jokes with everyone, but at one point I turned to Hanneka and admitted that I was scared. I had some bumps, bruises and cuts on my head, face, neck and shoulder, but something just did not feel "right." Call me a wimp people, I don't care!!!!

X-rays and CT scans and many hours later, the doctors started a conversation with "try to remain calm." When the hell does anything good follow that? Dr. Watson (I think that was his name) said that they found something on my film. Now this was a flashback to when I was 16 and I went to the hospital for a sprained ankle and found out I had a tumor in my leg. FREAK OUT ALERT! FREAK OUT ALERT!

I have a fracture on the left base of my skull near my spine. It is called a "left occipital condyle avulsion fracture." There is no point to operating because they think it will heal on its own, but I do need to wear a neck brace for a few weeks.

I Googled my injury and one report I found says this:

"Fractures of the occipital condyle are rare;"

"The low number of cases reported in the literature is due both to the fact that these fractures are difficult to diagnose, since conventional radiography is often negative, and to the fact that,
being often associated with mainly fatal atlanto-occipital dislocations."

"The clinical casesreported in the literature are characterized by: (a) neck pain associated with a functional limitation of the cervical spine motion [5-I 8]; (b) deficit of cranial nerve function
(nerves IX, X, XI, XII) occurring at the level of the jugular foramen or of the hypoglossal canal [3-15]; (c) coma due to brainstem injuries [8-10]."

I do not need to be a neursurgeon to understand this.....I am lucky to be alive and not paralyzed.

Call me overdramatic, call me a diva, call me a bitch who deserved it, I don't care! All I know that I have taken my life for granted for too many years and have made so many mistakes that maybe this was my wake up call. This has helped me realized what matters most in life.

Now if I can only stop the nightmares and get some sleep.

To be continued.........

No longer a blogging virgin

Well, it is 11:44pm on Sunday, September 28, 2008 and I can't sleep. Too much on my mind, I guess. I would always feel better after writing so I thought might as well join the 21st century and start a blog. I doubt anyone will read it, but at least it can be a something for my son, Noah, to read....well, when he is old enough to read since he is only 17 months old.

About me - if you have seen my Facebook page, you can see about my interests, favorite movies, quotes and all that jazz.

Where to begin? I am 31 years old and I live in South Carolina with my husband (Andy) and son (Noah). I have two cats Belle and Padfoot. I live in the 'burbs in a beautiful 2 story house with a yard and rose bushes, SUVs and HOA fees. Pretty standard and normal.

But life is anything but.

To be continued......