Time? 12:40am
Date: September 30, 2008
Only 1 more day until October. Though I know fall officially started last week, I usually don't think it is fall until October. And I cannot wait until summer is over - this has been one crazy summer. Oh who am I kidding? It has been down right shitty at times.
People say that God does not give you more than you can handle. Well, he must think I can handle a lot. Yes, I know that there are more unfortunate people out there than me - soldiers fighting for our freedom, families losing their homes in storms, people fighting cancer. Who am I to bitch and complain?
I was watching a show tonight, "Life," and the title was "Finding Your Happy Place." The storyline was that there was a guy who was so jealous of other people being happy that he killed them and that made him happy. How sick is that? But it is not that far fetched.
People are jealous by nature. And yes I am generalizing...not all people are like this. But most people are jealous of other people. We want what others have - whether it is their salary, shoes, car, abilities, significant other.
Why do we buy stuff? To make us happy? To make other's jealous? To fit in? To be unique?
I remember the first day of school and people checking each other out - who had the coolest lunch box or trapper keeper (yes I am dating myself with that comment)? The first day back after Christmas - how many gifts did you get?
It is not that much different in the working world. Coach purses and Prada sunglasses have replaced lunch boxes and trapper keepers. Lucky jeans are the newer and fancier Guess jeans.
And then comes weddings - a soon as one person gets engaged, it is like everyone jumps on the bandwagon. And I was one of them. Almost as soon as I moved to be with Andy, I was talking about a wedding. Poor guy!!
Is there a female out there who does not check out the size, shape and clarity of another woman's ring? Is that white gold or platinum? Whose dress was prettier? Whose reception more fun? Whose honeymoon more exotic? Times like this I am glad I have a son and not a daughter.
And then comes time for a baby! It was all about the baby bump at my old place of employment for awhile. Must have been something in the water. So now there is competition on who looks the best while waddling the halls, who picks the better name, who has the easier/more difficult pregnancy/labor?
And now preschool - "sorry, you do not know so and so and do not have $50K so your child cannot attend [fill in the name]." Why would you need to send a 1 year old to a private school anyway? Kids will eat paste and pick their nose anywhere.
I have entered the world of endurance racing (marathons and triathlons) the last few years and it is the same there - Road vs. a tri bike? Is it all carbon? Do you have racing flats? How many miles did you put in this week? What's your VO2 max? Etc, etc, etc.
When I started to run competitively about 6 years ago I had three goals:
1. To finish
2. To not walk
3. To not come in last
I did it for the fun of it. For the pure joy of being outside and taking time for myself. It was my release, my zen, my happy place.
But then something happened. I lost sight of that. I would get pissed if other people beat me. I would hate it if I missed a group run or ride. I was embarrassed by my low end road bike and slow times. I wanted to fit in, keep up, be apart of the cool kids. I wanted their respect and admiration. I wanted to wow them like they wowed me. I wanted to matter, to belong, to make them proud.
I have friends who are training for a big event in November that I am not apart of and it killed me. I was so jealous and felt left out - they were experiencing something amazing together during all their training and I was not.
Trainings became an obsession. If I did not hit my times, I would get so upset. I would just stare at my heart rate monitor during Spin classes to make sure I hit my zones. I pushed so hard to keep up with the fast riders on a group ride one Sunday that I totally bonked, lost my focus for a moment and crashed.
And what did I do? I took one day off to rest. I had something to prove damn it!
And guess what happened next? My crash at Kiawah. If there was ever a sign from God to slow down and re-evaluate life, that was it.
My need to impress and prove something to certain people (and who knows if they even give a flying fuck anyway) and to prove something to myself led me to lose sight of a lot of things. One of them - my love for training just for the fun of it.
But the most important thing? That my actions have consequences - I almost ruined Andy's and Noah's lives. I could have been paralyzed or died. What type of life would that have been for them?
Someone asked me, "So 'What Matters Most'?" It is them. And I thank God every day that I have a second chance to make things right.
To be continued.....
Date: September 30, 2008
Only 1 more day until October. Though I know fall officially started last week, I usually don't think it is fall until October. And I cannot wait until summer is over - this has been one crazy summer. Oh who am I kidding? It has been down right shitty at times.
People say that God does not give you more than you can handle. Well, he must think I can handle a lot. Yes, I know that there are more unfortunate people out there than me - soldiers fighting for our freedom, families losing their homes in storms, people fighting cancer. Who am I to bitch and complain?
I was watching a show tonight, "Life," and the title was "Finding Your Happy Place." The storyline was that there was a guy who was so jealous of other people being happy that he killed them and that made him happy. How sick is that? But it is not that far fetched.
People are jealous by nature. And yes I am generalizing...not all people are like this. But most people are jealous of other people. We want what others have - whether it is their salary, shoes, car, abilities, significant other.
Why do we buy stuff? To make us happy? To make other's jealous? To fit in? To be unique?
I remember the first day of school and people checking each other out - who had the coolest lunch box or trapper keeper (yes I am dating myself with that comment)? The first day back after Christmas - how many gifts did you get?
It is not that much different in the working world. Coach purses and Prada sunglasses have replaced lunch boxes and trapper keepers. Lucky jeans are the newer and fancier Guess jeans.
And then comes weddings - a soon as one person gets engaged, it is like everyone jumps on the bandwagon. And I was one of them. Almost as soon as I moved to be with Andy, I was talking about a wedding. Poor guy!!
Is there a female out there who does not check out the size, shape and clarity of another woman's ring? Is that white gold or platinum? Whose dress was prettier? Whose reception more fun? Whose honeymoon more exotic? Times like this I am glad I have a son and not a daughter.
And then comes time for a baby! It was all about the baby bump at my old place of employment for awhile. Must have been something in the water. So now there is competition on who looks the best while waddling the halls, who picks the better name, who has the easier/more difficult pregnancy/labor?
And now preschool - "sorry, you do not know so and so and do not have $50K so your child cannot attend [fill in the name]." Why would you need to send a 1 year old to a private school anyway? Kids will eat paste and pick their nose anywhere.
I have entered the world of endurance racing (marathons and triathlons) the last few years and it is the same there - Road vs. a tri bike? Is it all carbon? Do you have racing flats? How many miles did you put in this week? What's your VO2 max? Etc, etc, etc.
When I started to run competitively about 6 years ago I had three goals:
1. To finish
2. To not walk
3. To not come in last
I did it for the fun of it. For the pure joy of being outside and taking time for myself. It was my release, my zen, my happy place.
But then something happened. I lost sight of that. I would get pissed if other people beat me. I would hate it if I missed a group run or ride. I was embarrassed by my low end road bike and slow times. I wanted to fit in, keep up, be apart of the cool kids. I wanted their respect and admiration. I wanted to wow them like they wowed me. I wanted to matter, to belong, to make them proud.
I have friends who are training for a big event in November that I am not apart of and it killed me. I was so jealous and felt left out - they were experiencing something amazing together during all their training and I was not.
Trainings became an obsession. If I did not hit my times, I would get so upset. I would just stare at my heart rate monitor during Spin classes to make sure I hit my zones. I pushed so hard to keep up with the fast riders on a group ride one Sunday that I totally bonked, lost my focus for a moment and crashed.
And what did I do? I took one day off to rest. I had something to prove damn it!
And guess what happened next? My crash at Kiawah. If there was ever a sign from God to slow down and re-evaluate life, that was it.
My need to impress and prove something to certain people (and who knows if they even give a flying fuck anyway) and to prove something to myself led me to lose sight of a lot of things. One of them - my love for training just for the fun of it.
But the most important thing? That my actions have consequences - I almost ruined Andy's and Noah's lives. I could have been paralyzed or died. What type of life would that have been for them?
Someone asked me, "So 'What Matters Most'?" It is them. And I thank God every day that I have a second chance to make things right.
To be continued.....
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